you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
