Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
