Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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