If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Found the puke drawer
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
