: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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