Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
