I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
