i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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