how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
