This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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