Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
