Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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