Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
