Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
