does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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