I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
