I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
