I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
