One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
