does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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