Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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