She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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