I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
