Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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