You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
