You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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