yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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