this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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