hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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