so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize