my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everclear isn't food dammit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
