I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize