I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
