he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
