K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
