whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
