You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
