He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
