you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
