Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize