I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
