i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Randomize
