I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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