its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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