that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
