Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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