what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
people are starting to question the shark bite story
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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