textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
