but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
