so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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