what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
