she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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