the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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